It doesn't take a lot of effort to notice that we live in a problem-focused world. Any amount of television viewing is certain to bear witness to commercials that identify some human flaw that needs fixing, whether with a new detergent, a new car, or a new TV. It's hard to think of any commercial that has ever trumpeted, "You're doing great...keep it up, you don't need our product -- just thought we'd let you know." It's no wonder ""What's wrong?" is a vastly more common interpersonal statement than "What's going right?" While it might sell a lot of soap, when it comes to emotional issues, a problem-focused approach can keep us stuck. This can be illustrated with the oft-cited pink elephant: As you read this sentence, whatever you do, do NOT think of a pink elephant... Pretty darn difficult to avoid thinking of pink pachyderms, isn't it? The same is true for mental health issues. A depressed person who feels hopeless is better off identifying activities that make him feel a bit more hopeful rather than coming up with ways to feel less hopeless. It seems a simple lesson but hard to put into practice.
When it comes to hearing loss, it is not easy to apply a solution-focused approach. The trauma of the loss itself, the daily effort it takes to hear, and the frustration of dealing with friends and family who may not understand how to be helpful are real problems. That fact is not up for debate. However, one way forward is to learn to notice what is working and what is going right rather than what is NOT working.
Consider "Arthur" and "Donna". Donna's hearing loss has impacted how the couple functions at social gatherings. Arthur typically makes an effort to speak for Donna. He usually answers questions that others direct towards her and believes he is helping to keep her connected at the party. Unfortunately, this has just the opposite effect. Donna feels stigmatized and isolated -- as if she can't speak for herself. When they get home Donna alternately lashes out at Arthur complaining that he "treats her like a child" or is stone-cold silent; giving Arthur an unspoken message that he has done something wrong. In both cases, Arthur is confused because he thought he was being helpful and silently begins to resent Donna's "lack of appreciation" for him. Early on in counseling the couple engages in problem-focused conversations of trying to get the other person to stop their undesired behavior. But at this point emotions are so charged that neither Donna nor Arthur can stand to listen to the other's complaints. By now readers of the above pink elephant experiment are keenly aware that there comes a time when trying to NOT focus on something becomes impossible. For this reason, Donna and Arthur are encouraged to avoid talking about problems and to take a solution-focused approach.
Therapist: Donna, can you think of a recent time when you enjoyed going to a party with Arthur.
Donna: A whole party? No I can't.
Therapist: What about a moment at a party where Arthur was helpful.
Donna: Well, last week, when Sally asked me how the kids were doing, Arthur provided space for me to answer and it kind of sparked a conversation between Sally and me. It feels like I don't talk to a lot of people these days, so it felt really good.
Therapist: So you liked it when Arthur encouraged you to join in the conversation?
Donna: Yes. I felt like he really cared about me.
Therapist: Arthur, what's it like to hear Donna say that?
Arthur: You know, I'm kind of shocked. I really had no idea that's what she wanted me to do. I'm glad she told me.
The following solution-focused tips can be gleaned from the above brief vignette of a real case (with names and details changed to protect confidentiality).
· Take time to notice what your spouse/partner, friend or family member does well. While nobody is 100% perfect, nobody is 100% flawed. Something MUST be going right. Like Donna above, sometimes it takes looking for small moments that go well. For example: Let your children or grandchildren know that you really appreciate it when they face towards you and speak clearly. You'll be amazed at how quickly they respond to this positive reinforcement with more helpful behaviors.
· Let the other person know (a) What they did, (b) How it was helpful, and (c) That you'd love it if he/she did it again! Try to resist the urge to tag on any description of what they did NOT do well.
· The same approach can and should be taken by hearing family members. Encourage them to read this article and let them know that you'd like to learn from them what you do that is helpful. For example: "Mom, it's really helpful when you turn your hearing aid on when I'm with you. It makes me feel like you really want to listen to me."
· Remember, many of us are experts at noticing what is not working. Take time to practice noticing what IS working.
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